I was sure you had made up your mind and this was the decision we were going to live with. Did we really have a choice. I was selfish thinking I could keep you and let you have a life free of guilt and regrets, and I’m sorry. I can’t live in a world where I can’t see you, be friends with you at least, have you in my life in some sort of way. But every time we see each other, leaving makes it harder and takes a toll on the both of us. Every single time. Even though for what felt like ages of painful silence, wondering, thinking- we finally came to a decision. One of the most painful decisions I’ve ever been forced to make, but it was made, and still it feels like were back at the beginning again. Your hurting, it’s the clearest thing I can see, and I’m hurting. Everyday, desperately trying to think of anything but you. Pull myself away from all of small things that remind me of you, keeping myself distracted, busy. I was all about taking chances and following my love even though you are miles away, and you were about being safe it seemed. You always did think with your brain, and me of course-with my heart. That’s what makes us so completely different, haha. I know this sucks and I know your hurting. Just like before all over again with her. I feel like your whole first half of your freshman year was filled with nothing but pain and I’m sorry. It’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to me. I don’t even know what to do anymore, I haven’t given up, I’m just sick of being sad, and in pain all the time. Like I said, I really just don’t know what to do anymore. Nothing prepared me for this, for college really, for anything. Where were the lessons in high school about love, about college, about making the right decisions, what the hell am I supposed to do? I do not know what the hell I’m supposed to do anymore and I hate it. Where’s the map? The answers? I’m lost, and I never thought someone like me could ever get lost, but I am! I always had a plan, stability, and now… We can’t see each other because it’s too painful when we leave, and we can’t not see each other, because I’m pretty sure I love you, and that you love me. So what the hell do we do?
you miss childhood so much you try dressing like you would if you were seven again. sneakers and frilly socks. big t-shirts and messy hair, because you’ve stopped caring about perfect hair. you don’t mind getting your knees dirty or scabs on your shins. those pains don’t make you flinch. those pains don’t talk to you at night. those pains don’t hurt like the hurt you’ve really felt. the type of hurt that can’t be pin pointed or fixed with copious amounts of Neosporin. you don’t worry about how you’ll feel in the morning until the morning comes. you bite the skin off the tips of your fingers like your aiming for the bone. because the stress and pain hits you bone deep. bone deep. its almost romantic sounding. but isn’t being so broken such a romantic thing anymore? sad music doesn’t even phase you. its all you know. instrumentals lined with tiny violins and crying cellos. you lay back in the grass and close your eyes. you try forgetting about the city surrounding you. the heat rises from the pavement and grips your lungs like my hands grip the small of your neck. the sun beats down on you like you owe it money. but you don’t sweat. this is the small stuff. ice coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. start your day happy. fall apart at the end. repeat. things get better. then they get worse. three months of total bliss for three months of total shit. thats the way life works right? it always gets better though. be still.
Holy fuck is right
I’m rambling again, but on the way home I couldn’t stop thinking about this for some reason. About everything pretty much. I’m not going to lie, at the start of this whole college thing, I was in a really bad place, and it wasn’t easy. It actually quite hard. I read an article a couple of weeks ago about this guy who’s been married for some time now. In the article he talks about how much of a selfish bastard he’s been to his wife basically. He’s never hit her or anything like that, doesn’t talk down to her or verbally abuse her. But what he has done that he feels guilty of is selfishly thinking of himself, with the thought of his own needs and happiness. He speaks about how he’s always questioned if she was right for him, and if she was what he really needed. The last two hours I realized, I’ve just spent having a deep conversation with two gals of mine, and of course you came up in conversation. Since the summer, and college I’ve only ever thought about myself and what I lost. Speaking bluntly, I lost a best friend of almost 6 years. Freshman’s in college now, and we we’ve been friends since the seventh grade. Not anymore. I actually lost you, for good this time. Permanent. That word strikes me because it has so much meaning to it, because you know that things will not change. They will not go back to how they used to be. They are permanent. Since the summer I’ve only thought of my feelings and what I’ve had to go through. What this all meant for me. How was I going to continue on without you. Even after all of the horrible shit you put me through, you were still my anchor. You were still my person, my rock. You were supposed to be the one to help me, to be there. I was so selfish in thinking of me, and what I was going through that up until about an hour ago, I never really thought about how you were holding up about all of this. You turned your back on me once to many, only to turn around again and realized that the ones you loved were not there and were indeed gone this time. Going through hell and back, honestly speaking because that’s exactly how it felt, I found happiness in the end. Actually almost as soon as I tore that part out of my life. I’m happy now. I’m okay, more than okay-I’m lucky. Lucky to have such wonderful girls by my side, helping, caring, listening, advising, everything you were supposed to do and more. But what about you? I’ve been so selfishly caught up in myself that I never thought about how hard it must have been for you. Because yes-I lost something that used to be so important to me, someone I couldn’t imagine for a second not having in my life, but you have lost so much more. You lost us both. Two people of which meant the world to you. You’ve known her since the fifth grade, me since seventh. Both of us meant something to you, in very different ways. Two very different meeting of friendships yet-so important, so loved. I wonder if you ever sit and think of the horrible actions you might have made that cost you so much. I wonder if you ever lied awake in your bed, in the middle of the night wishing you could go back to that night during the summer. I wonder if you ever sat with such discouragement without a slightest idea of who you talk to. We were no longer there, not anymore. You still had your family, maybe your boyfriend, friends from church, acquaintances you’d recently met? You were always so social, meeting new people every day. I’m pretty sure you must have turned to them, who else did you have? I’m sorry, I never thought about this. I’m sorry for everything that has happened, and I’m sorry you had to lose so much. I can only imagine the pain you had to feel by yourself, or with people who may or may not have truly understood, while I’ve had the pleasure to move on and become happy again with people who understood more than I did. I’m sorry that you might have been alone in the dark while I was surrounded by friends and love. And I’m sorry that you might still be in pain, and slowly approaching the darkest period that you will encounter all year. Or maybe you are okay, and things have gotten better for you. Who knows, maybe you’ve moved on and are hanging out with friends right now as I type this at 1:00am in the morning while my roommate snores from behind me. But if not, if things are still horrible, and dark-If it is only getter worse for you, I hope it gets better. I hope you find someone who’s willing to give you the biggest chance of your life, who’s willing to go through all of that with you, and who’s willing to save you, help you, make things better. I won’t lie, you are the most selfish person I will have ever known, but I do hope someone is willing stick with your selfishness. I know that sounds horrible, to condemn someone to a fate like that, but I believe there’s someone out there for everyone. Whether it be a spouse, a love, or simply a friend. Everyone should have someone, no one deserves to be alone. I hope you are okay as I have come to be. The friendship that we once held onto has made me wiser, smarter, and stronger, and I truly thank you for that. I will always love you, there was a time where you were known as my sister and I would have done anything for you. But sometimes in life we realized that some things we are just better without. And I am a better person without you in my life. Thank you for helping me see that.